Macho Man Died For Our Sins

Posted on May 24, 2011 by Jay

‡ I saw this pic floating around the Internet the other day and thought it was hilarious. I believe that “Macho Man” Randy Savage died on Friday, just in time to prevent the “rapture” that was to doom us all – well, those of us that are unsaved, I suppose.

I believe that Macho Man knew what needed to be done. Just like he allowed the Ultimate Warrior to pin him with just a foot on top of him, he put other people’s interests ahead of his own.

It’s Jesus’ fault, really. Taking Macho Man from us was like John Cena calling out The Rock. Be careful what you ask for…you just may get it.

Macho Man never backed down from a challenge, and he took Jesus on. I don’t have a source in Heaven, and I haven’t watched wrestling in years (only casually in March when The Rock came back). I didn’t buy the Macho Man vs. Jesus pay-per-view, but I’ve read that the match went something like this:

Macho Man enters to “Pomp and Circumstance” as usual. Lots of pomp, but not a whole lot of circumstance.

Jesus begins his entrance…slow, deliberate walk down the isle. He shakes many hands…more hands. Much more pomp than Macho Man. Still walking…this dude acts like he’s some sort of king.

When the bell finally rings, they lock up. Classic old school move here. Macho Man is strong, but not as strong as Jesus. Macho Man is thrown to the ropes, Jesus hits a big boot. The boot is bigger than Hulk Hogans. Randy is down, but not out. Jesus is a dirty player and picks Randy up by the hair….the crowd boos.

Randy goes to work on the body. He clotheslines Jesus. Leg drop by Randy. 1, 2, Jesus kicks out. Randy picks him up and throws him to the outside. Randy tries a dive from the ring, Jesus moves. Jesus throws Randy into the ring post. Ouch….

Randy gets up and is resting against the post. Jesus grabs a chair and wants to smash Randy’s head against the post. Randy moves, Jesus smacks the post, and the chair hits his own head. Seizing the opportunity, Randy rolls Jesus back into the ring. He stomps on Jesus. He picks him up and slams him right in the middle of the ring. Ooooooh yeaaahhh, we know what’s coming next.

Jesus is dazed and confused as Randy climbs up top. Randy raises his hands to the….sky? He delivers the elbow drop to Jesus! 1…..2…..JESUS KICKS OUT! He doesn’t seem to know that nobody kicks out from that.

Randy is not deterred…. he climbs up again. Drops another elbow on Jesus. Randy senses that the King of the Jews may not be going out like some punk. Randy decides to deliver 2 more elbows to Jesus. 1….2….3!!! Jesus, being the gentleman that he is, decides that the Rapture can wait. (Apparently 5 more months).

Well this post was long, unfunny and pointless, but I just wanted to say that Macho Man was a great personality. He was one of my favorite wrestlers back in the day. Rest in peace.

Also, check out my friend Lenny Lewis’ tracks. He’s been an admin on the boards for a while and is doing his own musical thing. Show him some love and support. You can check out a full length demo here, and some iTunes previews here.

The Sacrament To Go Offline May 21, 2011

Posted on March 25, 2011 by Jay

‡ Apparently Judgement Day is upon us. We all shall perish on 5/21/2011. REPENT!! REPENT NOW!!

If you’re one of these bat-shit crazy people that actually believes this, uhhhh…

If I actually believed that the world was ending in a few weeks, I would have quit my job a long time ago. So would the people behind the billboards promoting this particular armageddon.

Makes you wonder though…what’s the point of the babies being born in the next few weeks if they are just gonna die with the rest of us anyway? Doesn’t really seem fair, does it?

Also, what is gonna happen when 5/22/2011 comes? I can’t wait for the excuse and backpedaling to begin. It’ll probably be something about a calendar being wrong, or the fact that nobody knows when and if this will all come to an end.

I don’t know about you, but if I spent a lifetime of serving the Lord and staying as sin-free as possible, only to have to die the exact same way as my cocksucker of a neighbor…I’d feel cheated.

I guess the point is that you should enjoy yourself, no matter what you’re into s tomorrow isn’t promised. If you’re into Jesus, that’s cool. If you’re not, that’s cool too. If you’re into pole dancing, that’s also cool. Pole dancing for Jesus? Uh, winning.

Pure Genius

Posted on March 24, 2011 by Jay

‡ I’m not sure why, but I find this rather catchy…

“Gnarly” Sheen Is My Hero

Posted on March 3, 2011 by Jay

‡ Yes, I have to admit that I too am caught up in this whole Charlie Sheen bit, just like the rest of America and (come on, admit it) you.

Wasn’t there something kind of important going on in Libya? Meh? We’ll let the rest of the world worry about that. We’re Americans, and we’ll let a dude who made a shitty sitcom captivate our attention. That in itself is winning.

In all honestly, it’s entertaining. I don’t care if he is suffering from some sort of mental illness, which he’s not. Am I a qualified medical professional? No, but some people are fooled by my crisp suits, briefcase, and stethescope. But the man is just being a man and is being brutally honest.

Fuck the fake rage that some media outles are trying to portray. Stop, you’re just upset because you can’t pin him down. He’s going to sink his own ship, not anyone else. Like that one reporter who asked why he had an affinity for porn stars. Uh…to quote the man himself “DUH!” A porn star is obviously good at what she does. Better than the average bear, no doubt.

I wouldn’t mind living like him for a day, and neither would you. It’d be like being in college again. My new goal in life is to be Charlie Sheen-lite. I say ”lite” because I don’t mind the hookers and porn stars, but I really don’t feel like having a face full of cocaine. If I could replace that with some Jager, RedBull and Four Loko, then we’re in business. We could all take a page from his book and start being more honest. It’s refreshing.

The Hef, Clue, and Something Embedded Into My Skin

Posted on February 21, 2011 by Jay

‡ I had such a strange dream the other day that I had to let it marinate a few days before I could write about it. I think I waited too long. I don’t remember shit.

I remember some details, but there’s no real set up, so get your dream dictionaries out and psychoanalyze me.

The first thing that I can remember is being in Vegas with some friends. I can’t remember who, which may have been important. Anyway, our suite was around the corner from Hugh Hefner’s suite. Our party was raging so hard that he came to OUR suite. He didn’t bring any Playmates though, asshole.

Let me rephrase that…he didn’t bring any for us, that is. He had two for him, of course. Anyway, he wanted to play a game. Not a Saw-type torture game, but a real-life game of Clue (sort of.) Not even a dinner-mystery game…somebody really was going to die. Apparently that somebody was in the room. Not sure of how it played out, but after each round, someone would die and we’d return to the suite to start again.

I don’t remember much of what happened in between some of my friends dying (again, I don’t remember who was there, so I don’t know who died) and me surviving a few rounds of Hef’s twisted game. Then, Ted Turner and some other rich white guy walked into the suite. They congratulated me on a good game (so far) and so began another round.

At this point, I’m not sure how, but I end up with something embedded into my skin. It’s square and in my forearm. I decide to try and dig it out as it apparently is my ticket to salvation (at least for this round). But as I’m preparing to dig it out, I fucking fall asleep…in my dream…ala Inception.

The next level of my dream begins with me in a treehouse trading baseball cards with Seth Rogen. Then I just wake up (for real) and tried to get back to sleep to see if I can get back to the suite with the billionaires and bunnies. I can’t. So instead, I get up and put on my favorite clip. I’ve no fucking clue where it came from or what’s going on. Something tells me I don’t want to know. It always cheers me up, though. I hope it can do the same for you.

“Where The White Women At?”

Posted on February 16, 2011 by Jay

‡ I’m a few days late on this one, but there was a rumor that OJ Simpson was beaten by a white supremacist in prison.

The National Enquirer had ran a story Tuesday that said that The Juice was beaten and switched off.

Allegedly, he had to spend 3 weeks in the infirmary. He was said to have been knocked down and then punched and kicked until he was unconscious. The prison officials deny this, of course. And given the source, I’d call bullshit on it too.

For one, look at that mug. You ain’t switching that thing off easily. For two, the reason that was given for the beating was that he was bragging about how many beautiful white women he had conquered in his day. He was heard by a group of skinheads and has been “a marked man” ever since.

As the Enquirer put it, because of Juice’s “gimpy knees” and arthritis, he was unable to bob and weave. Not to mention that his opponent was in his mid-20′s, and much stronger than the geriatric Juice.

Another reason why I call bullshit is because everyone knows OJ was initiated into the Black Guerilla Family from day 1. Juice does work, son. He takes care of business.

Steak & BJ Day Is Fast Approaching

Posted on February 14, 2011 by Jay

‡ Ah yes…Valentine’s Day is upon us. Now is the time for you to show your special someone just how much you love them by showering her with gifts, dinners, flowers, and whatever else women are fond of.

All of us guys have to put so much thought (albeit at the last minute, but still, much thought is given) into what would make you girls smile and let us get it in.

For those uninitiated, March 14th is ”Steak and BJ Day.” That’s where you girls pay us guys back with two gifts that requires no thought at all. You don’t even have cook the steak yourself! It’s the perfect holiday.

Now then, in order to get the proper Steak and BJ Day celebration, guys…you have to get her something good for Valentine’s Day. No kitchen appliances, oven mitts, or any of that shit.

And for damn sure, don’t do what I did last year. I purchased the pictured shirt, thinking she’d love it, as we’d finally get to play out that “conjoined twins” sexual fantasy we’d been talking about. Unbeknownst to me, I was the only one who was actually into it.

THE SACRAMENT

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